Boundaries
Boundaries may just be the lynch pin that enables us to be well and live a vibrant life. They are one of the most important things to learn how and where you want them set. Several things get factored in when determining where we want our boundaries set, including priorities, values, what you want your life to feel like, the non-negotiables you have in your life, your dependents, etc.
I was listening to an interesting discussion about the relationship between self-care and resentment. The woman expanded to discuss that when don’t prioritizing self-care, our brain perceives that our basic needs and wants aren’t being met. Consequently, we feel neglected and frustrated that we aren’t getting what we want and need. This builds up quickly and leads to resentment – even towards our own family. It’s easy to say “Okay, on Monday morning I am going to start showing up for x, y, and z in pursuit of taking care of myself”. The decision point is important; but when the rubber meets the road, we have things that get in the way, something that’s more important, or an urgent matter that comes up. As we continue to neglect our own needs resentment builds because we need to care for ourselves before we can effectively support the needs of others.
What is a boundary?
As psychologist Dr. Crystal I. Lee explains in her article on La Concierge Psychologist, “Boundaries are the lines and limits you create between yourself and other people.” They help create guidelines and expectations for how you treat yourself and how you expect others to treat you – kind of like a navigation system for your relationships. Our priorities help point us in the direction of our goals and values, while our boundaries help to keep us going the right way.
The value of boundaries?
I love the saying “New level new devil” because it really is true. As we level up in any area of our life it requires us to function in new ways and prioritize our time differently. As we learn to navigate this new level, boundaries are what enables us to show up in the way we need to.
Why do boundaries matter in health and self-leadership?
Boundaries are one of the lynch pins necessary to live your life with integrity. They enable you to show up for yourself consistently by protecting your resources. They help you to let go of people pleasing by enabling communication around your expectations and how you will and will not show up for other people. Rather than constantly overextending to meet other people’s needs while neglecting your own, boundaries help to protect your time. Perhaps most importantly, they enable you to show up for yourself in the ways you want to -- which inevitably moves you closer to the vibrant life you desire!
Who do boundaries impact?
As I said previously, boundaries help you show up for yourself AND the people you care about. We all know that when you’re listening to the safety instructions on an airplane they say to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is not just applicable to plane safety, but also how we structure our lives. By prioritizing our own needs and setting the boundaries to do so, we can better serve the people around us. So yes, boundaries help you, but they also help your children, coworkers, parents, spouse, and friends.
How do we set boundaries?
There are a few things that help us establish and stick to our boundaries. First, getting crystal clear on our priorities and ordering them 1-5. We can use this prioritization as a filter for what gets your time and attention. We can expand further to consider what boundaries may need to be set in order to show up for your priorities in the way you want to. Second, understand the physical feeling when somebody bumps up against your boundary. This is usually how we learn we want or need a boundary in the first place, because the feelings of frustration, neglect, anger, annoyance, betrayal or resentment show up. As we feel someone overstep a boundary, we can use that feeling to establish where we want our “bumpers” or boundaries to be. Unfortunately, we usually feel the frustration before we even know we need a boundary set, but that can be the signal that we need one. It may take a few learning cycles to set and learn where we want the boundary. Third, when someone oversteps a boundary and evokes emotion, we must ask ourselves questions about where the feeling is coming from. Is the physical feeling coming from a place of insecurity or feeling like our values need to be protected? Either is okay, but it helps us get clearer on how we expect to be treated versus where there is inner work to do.
In summary, we start by getting creating clarity around our goals, values and priorities. After we’ve gotten clear on our values and priorities, we know what gets our attention. As we focus on those things, we find people (maybe even ourselves) bumping up against boundaries that haven’t been set yet, but we know they are needed because it evokes the physical feeling of frustration, resentment, or overwhelm in our bodies. We then practice communicating the boundary with good intention. Perhaps you don’t realize you need to set the boundary in the moment, so for the first time you may need to back to the person and communicate the boundary, share your intention, your expectations, and why it matters to you. Then, give the other person in the relationship the chance to respect that boundary. In the future as you get clearer on your boundaries, it will be more natural to communicate them in the moment.
You know the saying that we teach people how we expect to be treated? I am not sure who said that first, but this applies to the treatment we except from ourselves and the people around us. The masterful skill of boundary setting helps create and enforce those expectations. This is a life changing skill that takes effort and intention – in fact, it is one of the pillars that we focus on in my coaching program.
- Zoe Loudermilk
Citations:
“Boundaries 101: What Are Boundaries?” La Concierge Psychologist, by Crystal I. Lee, https://laconciergepsychologist.com/blog/what-are-boundaries/. Accessed 22 July 2025.